Unplanned Bathroom Renovation

I rolled over in bed, pressing the pillow over my head.

No, not again. Not again!

The house lay still. My wife stirred next to me. I relaxed slightly. Maybe I’d just imagined it. Maybe there wasn’t actually a—



I leapt out of bed and stormed into the bathroom, turning on the lights and standing in the doorway, wide-eyed, scoping out all of the taps at once.

‘Which one of you is it?’ I demanded in a hushed whisper. ‘Come on – which one of you is it?!’

‘Jack?’ my wife’s voice drifted down the hallway, bleary and confused. ‘What’s wrong?’

‘Nothing sweetie,’ I called back, doing my best impersonation of a calm person. ‘Head back to sleep.’

She didn’t protest very hard, and pretty soon I heard her snoring again.

‘Now then,’ I turned back to the bathroom. ‘Is it you?’ I pointed an accusatory finger at the shower. ‘Do I need to get someone in? A professional who can repair my leaking shower?’


I spun around, eyes wild. ‘Who was that?! Huh?!’

The sink and the bath didn’t respond. I slowly stalked around the tiles, keeping a careful eye on both of them.

‘Do I have to tear you both out?’ I whispered at them furiously. ‘Because I will! So help me I will track down an established bathroom renovations company in Melbourne and I will tear every bit of this room out!’

Silence rang out through the tiles. Silence… silence…


‘Gosh–dammit!’ I screeched, grabbing the sink and ripping it from the wall. I threw it through the glass of the shower, sending shards shattering to the ground. Seeing red, I turned to the bath, kicking the tap off with a primal scream and sending my foot through the porcelain.


I turned around, foot stuck in the tub, to see my wife standing in the doorway, a shocked look on her face.

‘What the hell?!’


‘Did you hear that?’ I whimpered, eyes wheeling around the room.