I put the two pieces of tile against the naked bathroom wall and stuck them there with some ‘tack I’d found in the cupboard, taking a step back to look at them and imagine which one I was most willing to live with.

‘Any thoughts?’ Vanessa asked, standing by my side and doing the same imagination exercise.

‘I think…’ I narrowed my eyes, flicking between the two. ‘I think I hate them both.’

‘They’re just awful,’ she agreed. ‘Why cats? Why did we pick cats? We don’t want cats in our bathroom.’

‘Too fond of a bargain,’ I sighed, shaking my head.

‘We might just need to face facts,’ Vanessa sighed, leaning against my shoulder. ‘We’re terrible at this. We need to hire some professional bathroom designers operating in Melbourne.’

‘Melbourne?’ I asked.

‘Everyone knows Melbourne has the best tile designers,’ she nodded. ‘It’s a common fact.’

‘Right.’

‘They talk about it a lot.’

‘Oh, do they?’

‘It’s on, conservatively, most of their billboards.’

‘Modest, then,’ I nodded. ‘Alright, fine, we’ll give someone a call. But just for their professional bathroom tiles ideas, okay? I still want to do this work myself.’

‘Right,’ Vanessa nodded, a hint of a frown forming on her brow.

‘You disapprove?’

‘Well, I wouldn’t say I disapprove.’

‘What would you say then?’

She was silent for a moment, then: ‘Oh no, I guess I would say it. One-hundred per cent do I disapprove.’

‘Why?’ I asked, hurt at the notion.

‘Because,’ she picked her words carefully. ‘You’re terrible at everything handy.’

Well, I thought she’d been picking her words carefully.

‘I put up that shelf!’ I spluttered, pointing in roughly the direction the shelf had been.

‘Actually, that shelf fell down the next day,’ she admitted. ‘I had to get my dad to come and fix it while you were at work.’

‘What?!’ I asked, the web of lies revealing itself to me. ‘Your dad?!’

‘Yeah,’ she nodded. ‘He’s pretty good at that stuff. Brought his own drill and everything.’