‘Going once,’ the realtor’s voice warbled dramatically. My wife’s hand gouged into mine, as we sat on the edge of our seats.

‘Going twice…’

A lady behind us in a mink coat and huge sunglasses raised her paddle and very coolly offered a million dollars more than our bid.

‘Sold!’ the realtor banged the gavel down, crushing our dreams in the process.

‘This is ridiculous,’ my wife grumbled furiously as the crowd vacated the auction. ‘We had that one in the bag until Crew-ella over there jumped in.’

‘Minks are cute, aren’t they?’ I frowned.

‘Oh, who the hell knows,’ she glared. ‘That’s it – we’re getting a buyers advocate for our property search around Elsternwick.’

‘Are you sure?’ I frowned. ‘Didn’t we decide—’

‘I know what we decided!’ she snapped. ‘But we’re not going to get anything unless we start evening out the playing field.’

‘Okay, okay,’ I placated her. ‘I’m down for a buyer’s advocate.’

‘Good,’ she frowned. ‘Because we might need two.’

‘Two? Why two?’

‘We can’t just hit Elsternwick,’ she said. ‘We may need a buyers advocate for Melbourne as well.’

‘You think that would work?’ I frowned. ‘All of Melbourne? Wouldn’t there just be a bunch more people like, y’know…’ I pointed at the lady in the mink. ‘Like that?’

‘I hope so,’ she grinned. ‘Wouldn’t it be nice to have someone on our side, making them pay a little bit more at the very least?’

‘Actually, that sort of behaviour, reproduced on a macro economic scale, is only going to further drive up the prices of the entire housing market and, ultimately, make it much more difficult for us and future generations to ever afford to buy or build our own homes.’

She blinked at me.

‘What?’ I shrugged. ‘I watch the news when you fall asleep. It helps soothe me.’

‘Are you feeling particularly soothed right now?’

‘Actually, all I want to do is drain that lady’s trust fund,’ I nodded at her. ‘I’m totally on board with your plan.’