I’m pathetic, I know
So at the moment it kind of feels like my dad is using me as his slave.
It’s not like it’s a big shock to the system or anything, I’ve always seen it coming. He’s made me shine his shoes since I was old enough to hold the cloth, but it still just kinda plain sucks. It’s like he doesn’t see me as a person, just a means to an ends. And no matter how well I do at school or anything like that, he just doesn’t seem to care.
He actually bought a boat last weekend, according to mum on a whim, and he’s told me that he’s going to teach me how to sail. That feels like a whim too. Not that I told him that’s how I feel. The amount of times I practice defying him in my head make no difference, when he asks me to do something, I do it. When he told me to look into this outboard motor servicing in Melbourne he’d found, I knew immediately what was happening. He’s going to make me run around like his secretary and servant, having the boat cleaned, serviced, polished, and whatever else it is boats need done with the promise that, at the end of it, he’d take me out on the water. And the thing is, I’m so attention starved, that I’m happy to do it. That says a lot about me. I mean, not happy, but naively hopeful. Even though I’m putting my own life – school grades, social life, everything – on the back burner so he might spend an hour or two with me.
I know. I’m pathetic. But knowing I’m pathetic doesn’t make me any less so. Even as I write this, I’m look at this really great boatcatch I can surprise him with. I just want to make him notice me.