A stubborn father vs a passive aggressive child

Okay, I know it’s like holidays now and whatever, but that doesn’t mean I don’t still get annoyed by things. The end of school for the year doesn’t mean I ascend to some higher plane, I’m going to continue to be as petty as I’ve always been and just try and stop me. Oh, and believe me, I have a lot to be petty about.

For one thing, I feel my train of thought wandering dangerously off course, even as I sit here and write this, due to that incessant hammering. It’s been going on for what feels like forty days and forty nights (although between you and me that may be a bit of an exaggeration). Looking out my window, I’m just about paralysed with horror at the sight of the massive red gum in our backyard inches from breaking through into my bedroom.

For the last six months or so, my father has had his heart set getting rid of that monster of a tree on his own. He doesn’t need to hire a tree removal company in Brisbane or anything crazy like that, no siree. Instead, he’s going to do it all on his lonesome. He’s such a stubborn fool, and despite the fact that he’s making a colossal mess of the whole thing, he doesn’t seem capable to just take a bit of a step back and look at it all objectively. Nope, he’s just going to let the darn thing plough through my window instead.

Being the passive aggressive soul that I am, I decided to take it upon myself to contact someone who is a seasoned professional when it comes to tree felling. Brisbane, as it so happens, has no shortage of excellent arboreal removalists, and during my conversation with them, I realised the red gum removal could be achieved for a reasonable price. All that’s left now is to convince my father to abandon his insane vendetta.

My Father Will Hear About This

tree loppingYou’d think being so close to the sea would be pretty cool. Like, we’d go on school excursions to the beach, just because. The fact that we don’t is, like, one of the most disappointing things about this place, and I really meant that. I mean, we could at least go for science lessons to the beach and learn about seashells, or…sand. I bet we could spend an entire semester looking at sand. There’s loads of it, all over the world. Is it SO much to ask to want to have classes on the beach? IT’S RIGHT THERE.

Ugh, whatever. I bet I could convince Daddy to make some changes around here. He’s the president of the Clean Homes and Gardens Association (CHAGA) in Melbourne, and tree trimming doesn’t happen without his consent. No one so much as plants a sunflower without him giving the go ahead. He has contacts in the tree removal industry, the landscaping conglomerate, the florist alliance…basically, if it happens outside, Daddy is involved. Very involved. If I wanted it, Daddy would call a legion of tree removal specialists to the school and have them cut down every bit of greenery they could find. If the school confronted him about it, he knows ALL the laws. He could just claim that there were dangerous pests and that they needed to go, pronto. He could say that there was a rare fungus that could’ve been killing birds and insects, and that there was a very clear and present threat to the ecosystem. Daddy knows everything about the outdoors, and anyone who wants to be part of his association has to prove that they treat their garden like they would a child. Seriously, they have to log their hours. My father takes his duties very seriously.

Seriously, every tree lopping professional in the Melbourne area is just waiting for his call. And other people’s calls. I mean, he doesn’t own them, but they provide a community service just like any other business.

You know what? Never mind. I’ll just get Daddy to write a cheque, perhaps suggesting at the bottom that we instigate beach classes. Easy peasy, money solves everything.

Professional tree lopping tournaments, here I come!

ArboristHave you ever noticed that, when you really want to, you can be distracted by more or less anything? Like I’ve always thought that could be my super power. I can just see the headlines : Procrastinator Person wins epic duel by distracting the Cruel Concentrator. It would make a pretty good comic book series turned hit series, don’t you think? For example, today in Humanities I was just staring out the window at the tree removal guy. Brisbane schools like mine usually have heaps of really massive, old trees and this guy was doing, I don’t really know, something with that tree. Naturally, I spent a decent thirty minutes working out a complete life story for the guy (if you’re interested his name is Louis and his father left his mother for a miner he met while on a top secret mission in Kalgoorlie, Western Australia) and still wasn’t able to procrastinate my way through the whole class.
It got me thinking a bit about arborism (the people who look after trees). Like did you know there are professional arborist sports, where you have to climb up trees as fast as you can and stuff. Pretty out there, right? Tree lopping in Brisbane may not be that important, but in Australia the arborist sport stuff is gaining a bit of press. I confess, the reason I know it exists at all was because I saw a clip about it on TV one night. I wonder if other of my childhood pastimes are professional sports. Downball, for instance? Maybe they have professional tournaments of Down By the Banks or the Clap Clap game. Pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about if you like, but just the other day I had a wicked round of Paddocks, which yes, of course I won. But here I am, procrastinating again. I should really do some study … until next time, people!